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The State of Lee [Jun. 26th, 2012|04:01 pm]
Welp my birthday came and went. It was actually really nice not to do anything on my birthday actually.

So from the last post it looked like I was about to blow my artistic head off because of my terrible acting. Well not really all that true...and of course like most people I am overdramatic. But I was really depressed.

So since then I have gone on 2 more auditions. Both were awkward and kinda horrible. The first one was for a local small theatre company that is starting their season with Ceasar. So I got the sides and went in to audition. I did a bit of prep work, but not a hell of a lot. I got there and went into the audition and said hi to the director (who I had maybe met once before) and hi to the Artistic Director (a really nice, but awkward guy). I tried to make some small talk since there were no other auditionees outside, figured they had some time. But they weren't having it at all. Kinda awkward if they wanted me to begin. I did the monologue, it was ok, I rushed through it and didn't take my time which I should have...but they didn't seem to want to wait for things so I rushed...we stood there when I was done looking at each other for about 30 seconds. Then I asked if they needed to see any more? Nope they were I left. I was like, well that was interesting and kinda awkward, but from everyone I asked...all the auditions were that way...very weird, but nice that the company is still thinking about me and to be called in is always cool.

The next audition was for a mid size SPT house in DC. I have heard its one of the best places for Actors to work in DC. I had done a reading there once and they were nice, but it was a little rushed. So I went in for my audition. The side for the audition was 4 pages long. It was impressive. I went in for a role that everyone else around me auditioning for the same role was 20 years older then I am at least. The role was meant for a 50 year old man and I don't think i even come close to that...but it was nice to read and audition and very nice to be called in.

both were very nice and with a new mindset of having to practice auditioning again was great to get my feet wet.

Also on the suggestion of my friend Gwen, I signed up for 2 workshop classes. I did the first one last weekend. It was an Alexander Technique class. Very hippy dippy touchy feely weird flowing energy stuff. Not really my thing other then body work I really like. So i tried it and it was great. Great reminder of how the body works and functions and how things build and stretch and struggle. The harderest part of the class was putting down my own ego and snarky nature. My instinct was to judge and make fun of the class (which would have been pretty easy), but I tried to make a concerted effort to turn off my brain and just let things be what they are. which was another great rehearsal for me and excersie that was needed.

in 2 weeks I take a physical comedy class which should be fun.

Life has been pretty good. Megan is amazing and she gave me this wok and movie for my birthday, but the best thing was this card she made me with a picture of me and mole holding hands walking down a path. The inside was just this great release of feelings she has for me and I for her. it was really amazing and I did tear up.

So upcoming is an Inkwell event and some other things, but really I am just kinda tired so yea.
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Melancholy and the infinite Lee [Jun. 7th, 2012|05:29 pm]
so I think I am going to start writing in this journal again.

I am feeling pretty low and I am not sure what to do about it.

So most things in my life are either amazing or pretty good. My girlfriend is amazing and supportive and wonderful and most days I don't know why she is dating a schlub and fuck up like me. Inkwell is going pretty amazing (other then some shake ups that are happening and scary) we are getting great press and wonderful shout outs from both the local new play community and the larger new play community. Work is pretty good. Lots of promo video projects the past couple months but casting is starting to gear up and so is filming so we will have some stuff to edit pretty soon. I have been hanging out with lots of random people and doing random things and thats been fun.

The big thing is performance. After getting raises and promotions at the day job I had pulled back from Acting and auditioning so much. I knew we were building Inkwell and I knew the Job was going to take a lot of time and effort that I didn't always have the energy for...but I still got in the occasional show. After almost a year break I did Mary Stuart with WSC and over a year from that I did Astro Boy at Studio 2nd Stage. I didn't audition very much but the ones I did audition for I really fucking wanted. Bobrochenberg America at Forum, After the Quake at Rorschach, I thnk there was one more in there....and most recently (as of Sunday) Rorschach's production of A Maze by Rob Handle.

I can't tell you how much I bombed that audition...I can't tell you how weak and rusty I felt...I also can't tell you how looking around the room of people called back with me that no one there (save Jon Reynolds) had the skill and experience that I have. I just sucked at the callback though...which is sad. I sucked so bad after 1 try on 2 different roles, Randy came out and said, "That they had seen enough, I was good to go." I was crushed. Seriously had the wind taken out of me. I have never done this before, but I begged for 1 more shot. Thank god they are my friends and let me take another shot at a role. This last time I think I did pretty good. I had an interesting start, but took Grady's adjustment like a pro and both of them let me know I did good with the adjustment.

But well its been 4 days. The fact that I currently work for Grady I know he casts almost by the next day. I also know that some people have already been offered roles...but I don't know who was offered the role I was up for.

I think I always took rejection pretty hard. A large part of me wants to be loved and accepted by everyone and anyone. I want to be respected and looked up to and truly loved by all. And when I don't get into something, I take it terribly. I take it like a break up. It sucks...I mean my job is a casting director and I know there are countless reasons why someone gets cast and someone else doesn't...but still all I want to do is cry and curl into a ball because I think people don't like me. Because I wasn't good enough. Because I am a bad person.

I know that isn't the case logically. I know that all is good and that there may be other reasons...I have been difficult to work with in the past, I didn't give an amazing audition, I am really fucking rusty, etc.

I just can't help feeling like shit. Feeling like less of a person. Feeling like...I made a mistake and theatre isn't what I should be doing.

I love Megan, though. She tries so hard to help and make me feel better and be supportive and is truly the most loving and amazing person I know. But there is something in me, don't know if it is how I was raised or if it just grew up with me, but when I get in moods like this I just can't feel it. I have no confidence I have not faith in myself. I still love everyone and I still like to make them feel better, but being casts in shows for some reason validates me.

Not as much as megan does. She is the most important thing in my world and I feel so much less of a person when she is away...but second to that is getting cast in things, or asked to do things by people I respect.

Its sad really that I put so much of my self worth on other peoples shoulders. I guess I am just a sad person.
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Lee's First half of the year Survey, Ira did it so I must try it. [Jun. 20th, 2010|01:01 pm]
Ok so Ira does this, that means I must try it. Its been a while since I have done a LJ entry and a while since I have done a survey, but I will give it my best and hope all goes well.


TryingCollapse )
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From Gwenergy [Oct. 16th, 2008|05:25 pm]
If you read this, if your eyes are passing over this right now, (even if we don't speak often or ever) please post a comment with a COMPLETELY MADE UP AND FICTIONAL memory of you and me.

It can be anything you want - good or bad -

When you're finished, post this little paragraph in your LJ and see what your friends come up with.
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(no subject) [Mar. 30th, 2008|02:33 pm]
Done with Livejournal...going to Blogspot..see ya!
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I find it funny... [Feb. 11th, 2008|12:47 am]
[Current Mood |awake]
[Current Music |NPR]

So tomorrow I get on a plane and go to Louisana for a week.

Oh perhaps I should update you on the comings and goings. As soon as Inkwell ended I took a week off and didn't speak to anyone or do anything (other then Megan, and then an XX event, and then saw Life is a Dream). So after that week on Saturday and Sunday I went to work for WILL interactive. I still have no day job, and thus no money. So my buddies Grady and Jonathan suggested me for a PA job with WILL. It will give me eneough money to survive for a while. So I did the PA thing on those days, and it was cool, boring but cool.

Well that tuesday I woke up and couldn't really move my just hurt. So I iced it and ibprofined it...and took megan to an audtion that night. Well again the next morning I couldn't walk and it hurt like a bitch. So I went to the hospital...they took an X-ray and no bone damage,but without an MRI they had no idea. So I just worked on it for the past week, no walking icing then heating and lots of ibprofin. Well its a bit better...I can kinda walk but my knee is huge, it probably needs to be drained (fucking gross).

But all this is to say that I have a flight to go to Louisiana in 7 hours to be a PA for a week for WILL interactive. Should be fun, but I always get this way, whenever I hvae something early to do in the morning and I need to be somewhere early I jsut can't sleep. fucking sucks.

Eh so random thoughts...good news is that in about a month Megan and I will have been dating for a year...which is amazing, and wonderful. I just got cast in another show for Active Cultures. I am going to be playing Sleepy in Jackie Lawton's new show "Mad Breed". It is a part she says she wrote with me in mind...which is crazy...and amazing...I have some auditions and job interviews when I get back into town.

Ok I am tired of wrtting...I love you all...I truly do.

George I miss you man.

Jenna I miss you angel.

Megan I love you so much.

Gwen you are cooler then Vanilla Ice

Ira...I am proud of you.

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Inkubator Festival in the Bag [Jan. 29th, 2008|12:56 pm]
[Current Mood |tiredtired]
[Current Music |"I've been makin time with a miner's son" by James McManus]

Oh my God!!!! I am finally done!!!!

Ok so I haven't posted in forever and I am sure I didn't fill everyone in on the happenings of the past month and the world at I will try and make this as fill in as possible

Last March I got an email from Deborah Kirby and Jenny McConnel Fredrick saying that there was going to be, for the first time ever, a DC non-equity audtion. This would be held at Wolly Mammooth Theatre for 2 days and would host about 15-20 DC non-equity companies (including Rorschach, Journeymen, Forum, Open Circle, Constelation, and others). Well I appllied to audition and wrote that if they need help that weekend that I was avaible and would be willing to work. Well they said that I could work for a couple hours the first day before audtioning. Well when I got there Kimberly Kissyon (the lady running the auditions) put me as a runner and introducer of actors to the audtioners. Good fun time. Well they were a little short staffed so I worked the whole day. And they were impressed by how hard and focused I was at making sure things went smooth. So the next day when my girlfriend, Megan, went to audition they were short staffed again so I stayed to help out. And afterwords we went out for a drink at a bar. Well there I got introduced to Jessi Burgess (a DC area director and good friend), Michael Dove (Artistic Director of Forum Theatre), and Dan Prisarnkle (Casting director for Arena). We chatted forever and Jessi and I chatted about theatre and the state of Equity in DC and lots of other great theatre topics.

A couple months later I got invited to a meeting about a new works festival that Jessi was having with a bunch of theatre artist at her friend Eileen's house. well we met and chatted and eventualy a company was formed, The Inkwell. This company was gonig to do new works festivals that focused on the playwrite process and assisting them on the creation of new works. Well we did 4 stage readings at the Kennedy Center Page 2 Stage Festival and this January we got a full month at H street Playhouse to do whatever we wanted.

Well it came down to it that Jessi, myself, and Anne McCaw (a playwright) became the driving force on planning the festival. We planned out rehearsal, panel discussions, classes, and performances. It was hectic. For a full month I was pretty much going full steam. I had days where I would get to the space at 10 am, build some of the set with some peeps, take a quick break for some food, get back clean the space for a panel discussion, then close the space at the end of the night and repeate the next day. All the time taking calls from Actors, Deisginers, and Directors on the festivals coming and goings.

This past week we showed the Inkubator productions. If you want to learn what they are just ask me at some point. Well we did 6 days of 2 shows in true rep and even a staged reading on Saturday morning that I performed in. Then Sunday night we struck the set and everything and got out of the theatre. It was amazing. Serioulsy the greatest thing I have been a part of so far in my life. We had a group of hella dedicated people who worked their asses off and ended up putting on something never before done and greatly recieved in town. It was amazing. Serioulsy ask me more about it and I will gush for hours.

So now I have crashed...I now have nothign to do for a couple days and I am crazied and crashed. But thats where I am at.

Oh and I accepted an offer to perform in a new work by local dramaturg and playwright Jackie Lawton. Should be fun.

Lots going on and lots moving forward. Can't wait to see it all.

Love you all and hope to see you all soon.

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Muppets, the reason I went into theatre [Dec. 31st, 2007|01:18 pm]

This one is for Megan

Great song

Great Speech from Kermit, and a cameo from Orson Wells

Love this song
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one of the best theatrical physical performances [Dec. 31st, 2007|01:16 pm]
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"We don't see people as they are, we see them as we are." [Nov. 27th, 2007|11:02 pm]
[Current Mood |soresore]
[Current Music |"I don't do saddness" -From Spring Awakening]

So I am a fucked up individual.

Yes I am admiting it. I am fucked up and don't think I have any hope of fixing the problem. Cause thats what I do in life. I fix problems. I see something thats wrong and I have to fix it. I don't know why. Its just how I am. I just need to make it work, well I am fucked up and not working.

Seriously, I am writting these words while tears are streaming down my face and I hate everythign about it. I mean its so fucking sterotypical of a fucking blog to only write when you are upset, but more often then not lately I am upset.

I don't know if its this time of year, or where I am in life, or whatever the fuck else is going on, but I don't know how much more I can take. I am tired of not doing what makes me artistic and creatively happy. I am tired of not getting the role, of having to much experience, of having not eneough experience, of having this boss like me, but this other boss hate me. I am tired of loving someone that can't love me or show they love me. I am tired of having friends that turn their backs on me. I am tired of feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders and not being able to lift it any more. I am just fucking tired. God I am so tired.

But nothing will change. I will keep moving forward at a snails pace. I will keep hoping that the girl I love, will eventualy love me back. I will keep working trying to make it up the ladder, keep fighting knowing I am better then what I am doing. I am going to keep working on fixing myself. I Have to.

If I didn't...well that woudl be when it ends. that would be the last moment.

I really miss you all. I seriously do. I miss having people I can trust my secrets too. I wish I could find more people. I wish I didn't feel like a superhero, having to keep one idenity hidden at all times, having to keep people at a distance, having to put on the brave face.

But again life is what it is and this is the path I am put on. So I will keep walking. Keep trying, and one day...I will win.
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